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A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl named Mary on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike" the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl said "he sure did!" The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $20 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it." The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop. The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse? not on top."
--JOKE

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
--Steven Wright

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
--Steven Wright

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
--Steven Wright

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
--Steven Wright

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
--Steven Wright

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, Wish you were here.
--Steven Wright

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
--Steven Wright

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
--Socrates

Men are not prisoners of fate, but only prisoners of their own minds.
--Franklin D. Roosevelt

Chance is always powerful. Let your hook be always cast; in the pool where you least expect it, there will be a fish.
--Ovid

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Monday 10th December 2018 06:04:20 AM blitzed