I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
--Steven Wright
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
--Steven Wright
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
--Steven Wright
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
--Steven Wright
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
--Steven Wright
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, Wish you were here.
--Steven Wright
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
--Steven Wright
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
--Socrates
Men are not prisoners of fate, but only prisoners of their own minds.
--Franklin D. Roosevelt
Chance is always powerful. Let your hook be always cast; in the pool where you least expect it, there will be a fish.
--Ovid
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