There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
--Steven Wright
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
--Steven Wright
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
--Steven Wright
If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?
--Steven Wright
I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.
--Steven Wright
I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes.
--Steven Wright
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
--Steven Wright
I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, Hello, Information. I said, I can't find my socks. She said, They're behind the couch. And they were!
--Steven Wright
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
--Steven Wright
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
--Steven Wright
[ P r e v i o u s ] 380 - 390 of 448 Quotes
[ N e x t ]
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
19
20
21
22
23
24
25
26
27
28
29
30
31
32
33
34
35
36
37
[38]
39
40
41
42
43
44
