The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
--George Carlin
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
--George Carlin
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
--George Carlin
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
--George Carlin
You've got to be honest; if you can fake that, you've got it made.
--George Burns
As long as the world is turning and spinning, we're gonna be dizzy and we're gonna make mistakes.
--Mel Brooks
We must come to the point where we realize the concept of race is a false one. There is only one race, the human race.
--Dan Aykroyd
You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - t?ey're exactly alike.
--Dave Attell
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, Did you sleep good? I said No, I made a few mistakes. Steven Wright
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
--Steven Wright
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