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Random Quote

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
--Emo Phillips

The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said "If you'll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you've been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference."
--Emo Phillips

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming...They don't know I'm only using blanks.
--Emo Phillips

Emo Phillips was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, Emo was asked if he knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. His reply: "I don't know, re-election to the Senate?"
--

The other day a woman came up to me and said, "Didn't I see you on television?" I said, "I don't know. You can't see out the other way."
--Emo Phillips

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.
--Emo Phillips

When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord, in his wisdom, didn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked him to forgive me.
--Emo Phillips

The lottery is just a tax on people?who are bad at math.
--unknown

It takes a big man to cry. It takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man.
--Jack Handy

Hammers are cool. Yeah, I like to take hammers, and just break stuff, just break stuff.
--Beavis & Butthead

Calm down Beavis. You're gonna soil your drawers.
--Beavis & Butthead

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Monday 10th December 2018 06:03:59 AM blitzed